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Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Grief!

It's certainly one of the emotions I really haven't been blessed with knowing how to handle. During periods of grief, few of which I've experienced, I go through the DENIAL stage for the longest of times. I have a hard time accepting the fact that it is happening.

When my grandmother died, I pretended as if she was not...This was 2005, so I was about 15...just to let you know that it wasn't because I was too young to understand what was going on. I told myself that she went on a journey, and was soon coming back (she still hasn't returned yet) even though I was there when they burned the clothes she wore, bloodstained as they were from the accident she had while she was on her way to visit us.

I did not cry! I told myself that even if she was really dead, they we just had to wait till after 4 days, like Lazarus, and then she was going to come back to life. 4 days passed, and she did not...and I still convinced myself that a supernatural miracle was really going to have to happen, and I had no doubts that it will.

The burial ceremony and all such went on...with merriment and cheers (and beers) as you would expect for any Nigerian ceremony, even the one that was supposed to be about death. Not saying everyone should be crying, but still. I myself was lost in the moment, it didn't feel like we were there for a burial. Up till this point, I had not cried. It wasn't until....

They lowered her casket into the ground...and in that instant, I realized I was never going to see my grandmom anymore for real! - delusions aside. I came in grasp with reality, and I emptied out all the tears that have formed a reservoir by now in my eyes. For a long time, nobody could console me. And I didn't need to be consoled, I just needed to let it all out.

As if that's not enough experience. My granddad died 2008, and I don't remember crying. Because I didn't have a chance to witnessing his last moments, the feelings I believe are still repressed somewhere...I still haven't cried. Of course, I felt remorse...but life must go on was my immediate resignation.

Just this year, I experienced a state of grief again when on March 6, I got the news that my best friend - he was 70- died of a stroke. I tried to cry, but I couldn't. The tears however poured out of my eyes on March 31st when we did his memorial. Again, I realized that was the last! And I cried!

Now, I heard on Sunday about what happened, but I still haven't considered the severity. To me, it's a matter of, well people die all the time. I don't know how to process grief...it's got to be the most difficult emotion for me. This is one of the reasons I don't really watch or read the news. I still haven't read about the incident, and I doubt I ever will. What I'm scared for is that I'll read it, and all I can do is sigh! lament! for a few seconds, or minutes if I try, And move on...which is what happens to me. Last year, I spoke on this issue of mortality and how I handle it HERE. Read the whole if you can, or just scroll down and start from the paragraph that starts with "Today...".

Anyways, I started reading people's comments of this incident, and especially Myne Whitman's write up which you can read HERE!

I was really not going to write anything about this before but her post inspired me to do so, not out of necessity, but because I get it! Should I beat myself up for not feeling at first what others felt? Not at all! Maybe before now I would, but not at this stage of my life. I am at a place where I am able to accept even the most horrendous/reprehensible part of myself. It is only in this kind of unreserved appreciation for who I am as a person that I can see the possibility for who I can better become.

We wouldn't need people to inspire us if everyone was inspired...and because I couldn't see things the way others saw/see it, it takes reading the expression of people like Myne for me to see from that POV. And it certainly does make sense. I'll suggest you read it.

In that note, there are no words for me to say about the plane crash which caused the death of a hundred and something people that hasn't been said. From "may their souls rest in perfect peace" to blames of the airline, to regret to whatever you may have. Or maybe the truth of the matter is that I actually don't know what to say...

10 comments:

@ilola said...

Your best friend was 70?

May God grant the families of the departed the fortitude to bear the loss.

Naijamum in L. said...

'Not much to say?' ...
Very eloquent and heartfelt post

Thanks
xxx

Myne Whitman said...

I totally feel you. Hmmm...

Toinlicious said...

Sigh :(

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